Ok, I don't need introduction I guess. I am the most anxious and bugging person on the board I guess 
Someone told me once that anxiety is measured by the number of non constructive posts and my ratio of 546 in a year and most were anxious not helpfull, says a lot about my anxiety.And first of all, I hate the ranking by number of ANY posts. It should be by the number of valuable posts. Because I was a hero and recently I am a saint, and I am bothered by this every single time. I am no hero and no saint. I am a guy who still struggles with ALS anxiety even after one year. I wish I could write the success story but I don't have it (yet!). I am sorry. But maybe this letter is good for all who mark one year and don't yet have sucess stories, like me. I dunno.What I know is I'd like to thank each and every one of you for your support over the last year. For reading my terryfying and confusing posts, for taking the time to answer Fury13 even after you've seen my post and say to yourself: Oh no, not he again. What does he has this time? ...Special thanx (and I will forget a few, sorry) goes to christinasgirl123, who took a lot of her time and will to answer me on PM. To my twitching friend scandianavian girl, to the one with similar symptoms Ghayes, to the helpful members with good sense of humor I lacked in this state of mine: the unbeatable in twitching Matt, mommyLDN who first greeted me here, LisaLM for calming my thenar issue, Mario for being short worded and to the point, Gracely my eastern European comforter, Gloria123, _BlueWolf92, Jujulee, submaroine (my Taiwan twitcvhing buddy), Bond007 for giving me some inside on the other dimensions of post life , macroni - my twitching friend from my country etc... I can not name you all... There is one member who sees some bad things when he finds my name on the board but as I am polite I won't mention his name If somebody do not know me (is it possible?) here is my original post: To make it short. I have a history of health anxiety, not all of it is my fault I got scare I had testicular cancer, bladder cancer, glaucoma (not my fault, doctors scared me), stomach cancer, colon cancer, prostate cancer, rheumatoid arthritis (not my fault entirely, doctors scared me), up to the ALS fear, which is the worst I had up to now.One year ago I started to have hands paresthesia and pain, my hands tremored every night from 5 AM to my wake up. On October the 4th, it was a small thing for Earth but big for me: I got index finger twitch that prevented me to sleep as it didn't go away. 8 hours later I gave up. I searched the net for finger twitching remedy. I mean, how bad can a twitch be. I found out: very bad. All my cancer history always had some kind of treatement, our local site that first popped about ALS had just: Cause unknown, symtoms (you know them) and then paliative care ;-( Then I mad another mistake I went to search for ALS on You Tube. BIG MISTAKE! Nobody without diagnosis or a relative should not go to you tube to search for ALS. I got twitches everywhere in the next 5 days, developed a constant foot twitch, got ankle pain, finger stifness, later buzzing in feet, nerve pain in feet and hands... The rest is history.I am different than the rest (most) here because I only went to doctor ONCE. From my history bad experience with doctors I got a full blown severe panic attack when in neuro office (neuromuscular specialist) he told me that I indeed have some hand atrophy. After clinical he told me he didn't find anything wrong except some symetrical brisk reflexes that are not much, but to my question if I can have ALS he told me I can and he doesn't know that. I asked him if I can have BFS as I already knew about this site and was a member here and he told me: noway, this is 20x more rare than ALS and I see 1 such patient a year. I got such tremor that I was shaking all over. If he put me on EMG then I would go, because I was on my collapse, but he told me I can go in a month and I didn't go. The truth is I ws to scared of the results and I still am. I have developed such doctor phobia I get nausea this moment by just thinking going to another neuro or another examination. I will need therapy to get rid of this terror. So this doctor was after 3 weeks of twitching and I never went back. And I am not proud of that and I guess this is holding my mind progression so much also.In this year there was a time in may-june I had not much twitching, although my pain was still there and progressed. There was less paresthesia and hand night numbness also, but the tremor continued at night. But I was better mentally. After about 8 months I was telling that I can not have ALS.In august it got much worse, I got 24/7 thenar twitch for 14 days. I got severly anxious again as all the other twitches are not 24/7 not even foot one (it is every day 100 times but not 24/7). I also got hip twitch that was 24/7 at that time and soon after leg twitch. Iwas full blown ALS certain again 
Now... I don't know, I have lost the hip constant twitch and was again better for 10 days, I mean better in twitching, not good. Not so much constant hotspots. If I go to bed and lay on the back I get twtiches same place on my butt, but I never look them in mirrow, they can be constant or not. I really don't care at the moment. This days it is worse again, my foot twitch is again so powerfull that I found out it was better in the previous months, maybe it was but I didn'tfeel it so much (many there I can not feel but I stopped looking). I am still observing my "atrophied" thenar, I guess this is my neuro legacy This days I still got buzzing in legs I lost and after 4 months that the ankle ws a little better and heel pain (like plantar fascilitis) and I was thinking mabye I will be able to run again, it is back again on full power. I don't know, it is not easy to deal with twitching and the rest of things. Pain prevents many of my activities, makes my dancing miserable and prevents me to run and ski And I have more and more symptoms now thumb twtiching, buzzing, tingling etc... But I am alive!I tried some climbing with the special hammers at my browther's house last weekend. He is a rock climber... His hand is 3x bigger than mine of course. I tried to get up from hanging position on my hands only and failed. He told me that 90% of non trained maes in 40s can not do it. I then tried some horizontal ladder climbing, I couldn't do it without legs, but I managed to be like ape on a tree with the special hammers and moved forward all the way. I got sore back since then and it will be some time to go away but I wanted to prove myself. Brother is no doctor, but he told me I can not have ALS, because even one dead muscle wuld prevent me from doing that. But I was in pain, had hard time gripping as my both thumbs are now sore, tingly, twitchy, whatever.I told brother how would you know what ALS patient can do and can not do. He told me he knows because he changes batteries on their wheels (and muscle distrophics also, but not paraplegics, they need to use their hands). He told me the guy that brings the chair and sometimes patients told him, ALS is so fast and fatal, he has to make modifications to the chair about every thirs month because they can not use it in the old way any more and he has to modify the wheelchair again and again... So he told me that he is sure I have something, but he is also sure this is no ALS after 1 year of twitching and hanging on the ladder like I did. He told me he has many people trying that in his house and I did more than most of his non trained friends ever could. So this is unprofessional opinion of my brother also, he is no doctor The short story is, that my reasonable 5% of the brain believes I have something else, the problem is in the unconscious mind I guess... I tried yoga, meditaion, psychotherapy etc. and I can not get rid of this. I see the images of ALS patients from you tube day after day.But I try to survive the best that I can on a day to day bases and without your help, I would be in mental hospital after the neuro visit. If there is something good from all this, it is the fact I do not get upset for little things that upseted me a year ago (I got 4 problems in my life before I got this nerve problems). I stil have problems but I am more and more thankfull of everyday that I AM. I may not be the best, but I am not the worst. Maybe this BFS is only a reminder of my life, I dunno. But I can tell you that anxiety is such a bad thing to have (you know that already). I never thought you can fall so deep into a pit, see things that aren't there etc. It is such a DARK PLACE and not my wife nor my friends do not understand it. It makes it a lonely disease also. But to see once how ALS looks like (only from a video) makes you realise you are happy. Even with all the pain and all the sorrow in life. It could be so much worse. And that health is not something to take for granted, but cherish it.And one day I hope I will be able to say this story and add: Now I see what anxiety can do to your nerves. I am still not there yet, but trying to see the smile on my boy's face, not a gloom in my "atrophied" hand.Thank you all for listening to me and being there with your understanding. I hope some new member can learn something from my post.Take care!Jerry2
Someone told me once that anxiety is measured by the number of non constructive posts and my ratio of 546 in a year and most were anxious not helpfull, says a lot about my anxiety.And first of all, I hate the ranking by number of ANY posts. It should be by the number of valuable posts. Because I was a hero and recently I am a saint, and I am bothered by this every single time. I am no hero and no saint. I am a guy who still struggles with ALS anxiety even after one year. I wish I could write the success story but I don't have it (yet!). I am sorry. But maybe this letter is good for all who mark one year and don't yet have sucess stories, like me. I dunno.What I know is I'd like to thank each and every one of you for your support over the last year. For reading my terryfying and confusing posts, for taking the time to answer Fury13 even after you've seen my post and say to yourself: Oh no, not he again. What does he has this time? ...Special thanx (and I will forget a few, sorry) goes to christinasgirl123, who took a lot of her time and will to answer me on PM. To my twitching friend scandianavian girl, to the one with similar symptoms Ghayes, to the helpful members with good sense of humor I lacked in this state of mine: the unbeatable in twitching Matt, mommyLDN who first greeted me here, LisaLM for calming my thenar issue, Mario for being short worded and to the point, Gracely my eastern European comforter, Gloria123, _BlueWolf92, Jujulee, submaroine (my Taiwan twitcvhing buddy), Bond007 for giving me some inside on the other dimensions of post life , macroni - my twitching friend from my country etc... I can not name you all... There is one member who sees some bad things when he finds my name on the board but as I am polite I won't mention his name If somebody do not know me (is it possible?) here is my original post: To make it short. I have a history of health anxiety, not all of it is my fault I got scare I had testicular cancer, bladder cancer, glaucoma (not my fault, doctors scared me), stomach cancer, colon cancer, prostate cancer, rheumatoid arthritis (not my fault entirely, doctors scared me), up to the ALS fear, which is the worst I had up to now.One year ago I started to have hands paresthesia and pain, my hands tremored every night from 5 AM to my wake up. On October the 4th, it was a small thing for Earth but big for me: I got index finger twitch that prevented me to sleep as it didn't go away. 8 hours later I gave up. I searched the net for finger twitching remedy. I mean, how bad can a twitch be. I found out: very bad. All my cancer history always had some kind of treatement, our local site that first popped about ALS had just: Cause unknown, symtoms (you know them) and then paliative care ;-( Then I mad another mistake I went to search for ALS on You Tube. BIG MISTAKE! Nobody without diagnosis or a relative should not go to you tube to search for ALS. I got twitches everywhere in the next 5 days, developed a constant foot twitch, got ankle pain, finger stifness, later buzzing in feet, nerve pain in feet and hands... The rest is history.I am different than the rest (most) here because I only went to doctor ONCE. From my history bad experience with doctors I got a full blown severe panic attack when in neuro office (neuromuscular specialist) he told me that I indeed have some hand atrophy. After clinical he told me he didn't find anything wrong except some symetrical brisk reflexes that are not much, but to my question if I can have ALS he told me I can and he doesn't know that. I asked him if I can have BFS as I already knew about this site and was a member here and he told me: noway, this is 20x more rare than ALS and I see 1 such patient a year. I got such tremor that I was shaking all over. If he put me on EMG then I would go, because I was on my collapse, but he told me I can go in a month and I didn't go. The truth is I ws to scared of the results and I still am. I have developed such doctor phobia I get nausea this moment by just thinking going to another neuro or another examination. I will need therapy to get rid of this terror. So this doctor was after 3 weeks of twitching and I never went back. And I am not proud of that and I guess this is holding my mind progression so much also.In this year there was a time in may-june I had not much twitching, although my pain was still there and progressed. There was less paresthesia and hand night numbness also, but the tremor continued at night. But I was better mentally. After about 8 months I was telling that I can not have ALS.In august it got much worse, I got 24/7 thenar twitch for 14 days. I got severly anxious again as all the other twitches are not 24/7 not even foot one (it is every day 100 times but not 24/7). I also got hip twitch that was 24/7 at that time and soon after leg twitch. Iwas full blown ALS certain again Now... I don't know, I have lost the hip constant twitch and was again better for 10 days, I mean better in twitching, not good. Not so much constant hotspots. If I go to bed and lay on the back I get twtiches same place on my butt, but I never look them in mirrow, they can be constant or not. I really don't care at the moment. This days it is worse again, my foot twitch is again so powerfull that I found out it was better in the previous months, maybe it was but I didn'tfeel it so much (many there I can not feel but I stopped looking). I am still observing my "atrophied" thenar, I guess this is my neuro legacy This days I still got buzzing in legs I lost and after 4 months that the ankle ws a little better and heel pain (like plantar fascilitis) and I was thinking mabye I will be able to run again, it is back again on full power. I don't know, it is not easy to deal with twitching and the rest of things. Pain prevents many of my activities, makes my dancing miserable and prevents me to run and ski And I have more and more symptoms now thumb twtiching, buzzing, tingling etc... But I am alive!I tried some climbing with the special hammers at my browther's house last weekend. He is a rock climber... His hand is 3x bigger than mine of course. I tried to get up from hanging position on my hands only and failed. He told me that 90% of non trained maes in 40s can not do it. I then tried some horizontal ladder climbing, I couldn't do it without legs, but I managed to be like ape on a tree with the special hammers and moved forward all the way. I got sore back since then and it will be some time to go away but I wanted to prove myself. Brother is no doctor, but he told me I can not have ALS, because even one dead muscle wuld prevent me from doing that. But I was in pain, had hard time gripping as my both thumbs are now sore, tingly, twitchy, whatever.I told brother how would you know what ALS patient can do and can not do. He told me he knows because he changes batteries on their wheels (and muscle distrophics also, but not paraplegics, they need to use their hands). He told me the guy that brings the chair and sometimes patients told him, ALS is so fast and fatal, he has to make modifications to the chair about every thirs month because they can not use it in the old way any more and he has to modify the wheelchair again and again... So he told me that he is sure I have something, but he is also sure this is no ALS after 1 year of twitching and hanging on the ladder like I did. He told me he has many people trying that in his house and I did more than most of his non trained friends ever could. So this is unprofessional opinion of my brother also, he is no doctor The short story is, that my reasonable 5% of the brain believes I have something else, the problem is in the unconscious mind I guess... I tried yoga, meditaion, psychotherapy etc. and I can not get rid of this. I see the images of ALS patients from you tube day after day.But I try to survive the best that I can on a day to day bases and without your help, I would be in mental hospital after the neuro visit. If there is something good from all this, it is the fact I do not get upset for little things that upseted me a year ago (I got 4 problems in my life before I got this nerve problems). I stil have problems but I am more and more thankfull of everyday that I AM. I may not be the best, but I am not the worst. Maybe this BFS is only a reminder of my life, I dunno. But I can tell you that anxiety is such a bad thing to have (you know that already). I never thought you can fall so deep into a pit, see things that aren't there etc. It is such a DARK PLACE and not my wife nor my friends do not understand it. It makes it a lonely disease also. But to see once how ALS looks like (only from a video) makes you realise you are happy. Even with all the pain and all the sorrow in life. It could be so much worse. And that health is not something to take for granted, but cherish it.And one day I hope I will be able to say this story and add: Now I see what anxiety can do to your nerves. I am still not there yet, but trying to see the smile on my boy's face, not a gloom in my "atrophied" hand.Thank you all for listening to me and being there with your understanding. I hope some new member can learn something from my post.Take care!Jerry2
Cheers,Bill