Today is the Day: Nervous

[InkedMama]

Well todays the the day. I am soo nervous. Last night and yesterday that stupid bicept (left one ofcourse) in the arm I feel fatique easily in (percieved or not) thumped. Its always been the "ONE MUSCLE" that I can actually SEE the twitch. Yall know what I am talking about the "THUMP THUMP THUMP" makes the muscle jump. Ofcourse I think, GREAT this is the arm I feel the weakness in..soo I hope today everything is normal and I will know its just that "percieved".Has anyone else that that experience? do you ever see your bicept jump????Lovely

 

[ValgerAce59]

Lovely~~ Hi, I'm so glad you are back! And, I don't mean glad for me, I mean glad because I think personally that this board is a good thing, not a negative thing. I had written back when your husband posted about putting away your computer, but unfortunately I lost the letter right at the end and I don't think it ever posted. I know his intentions are good, but it just worried me so much what he was doing, because since I've been through this, I know that what he was doing wouldn't turn out to be a good thing. It's so so hard to have this anxiety, one thing that really takes it's toll is how our loved ones react. We expect them to be there for us, and to understand, but it's hard for them to be patient with it, and there has to be such understanding on both sides. My husband was frustrated when I was going through all of this, and so were many other people in my family. I remember my Dad getting frustrated with it, and I just felt so guilty about all of it, but that didn't change anything. It's not like your husband putting your computer away is going to solve anything. People like to think that something they do is going to change completely how you feel, and they don't understand because they are feeling ok, they are not having the strange symptoms, and scary thoughts. Nobody can understand this. It's like being in labor; your husband can be there for you and be sympathetic, but he has no idea really what you are going through. And, that's ok, he shouldn't feel like the one responsible for making you better. I know that sounds weird, but it's so so true. He is not equipped to help other than to be your loving husband. Did you ever see the movie with Meg Ryan about where she was an alcoholic, and her husband, Andy Garcia, tried to help her, but ultimately realized she needed to get it on her own? Very good movie, and so true. I think this board is so valuable. It's like my neuro appointment yesterday didn't leave me all that reassured, but then I have this board, and this is where I get my reassurance and this board allows me to live my life. I really don't know where I'd be without it. I think our loved ones feel powerless over this, and they feel that they have to do something to feel like they are helping. I don't think, as I said, that your husband had any bad intentions, of course he's just trying to help you. But, honestly, he can be there for you, and be supportive, but I don't think, as far as the anxiety and health-related issues we have, that he can help at all. I think it's something you have to go outside to get, and work through it in time. My husband wouldn't have had the first clue what to really do for me, and why should he? He's not a health professional, nor equipped in any way to understand what I'm going through. Also, I think it adds so much stress to the marraige to put any kind of pressure on a spouse to be the one expected to help, then there's resentment, and all kinds of other issues that come up. Then, you are fighting, and you don't even know why. I mean, there are times, with this illness, that I feel so moody towards my husband and family, and I know it's just the constant thoughts about als, and the stress over feeling like I have a terminal illness that eventually gets to me. It's up to me to change that, and not involve them too much. It's very wearing on the family. I try not to think about that too much, cause part of me feels resentful about it, like "Hey, why shouldn't they help me, I've done alot for them"....but I have to keep remembering that they don't know what to do, and that causes frustration in them, and a feeling of failure, and that's not a good thing. You are not broken, and don't need to be fixed by your husband. You just need help from an outside source. I got some anti-anxiety tapes when I lived in Tulsa, and those helped alot. To be honest, though, it's something that I'm growing out of as I get older. It was much worse when I was your age. As my neuro said, it's like a self-fullfilling prophecy; here I worry about not being here for my kids, and the anxiety over this illness is, to some degree, taking me away from them, at least mentally. I make it sound bad, only cause I'm only talking about the anxiety part of all of this. All in all, I've had a great time with my kids, and had a wonderful time raising them. But, I have had some inner demons that have been hard to deal with. But, I'm alive, and dealt with all of them. I wish I could somehow magically have you not waste all this time worrying like I did. There were days that I wouldn't even get up from the couch cause I was so worried about my heart palpiations. Now, I live with them, and they don't limit me at all. I'm sure this is how it will be for you, it will just take time. Believe me, I thought I was dying so many times, and you get through it. Let us know how the doctor visit goes!! Think positive thoughts, and just take care of yourself. Do something good for yourself each day, and try not to focus on the bad stuff. When you get a bad symptom that scares you, try to laugh at it, and take power over it. I remember on one of the tapes I listened to, that advice actually helped me drive down the road. I thought of the anxiety as a monster that I was winning a fight against. And, you will win this fight, you sound like you have a great family, and the necessary ingredients to acheive inner peace. I'm still working on it, but the insight you gain from something like this is amazing! Good luck, Val