SecretAgent007
Well-known member
I apologize but I believe this is going to be a long post, but I hope that everyone here who tries to help others takes the time to read it. I just want to put out there my personal thoughts on the nature of 'true help'. These are my thoughts and opinions on the subject so I just want to make sure I plainly state that up front. I don't presume to have all the answers or to be an authority on the subject. I am just a veteran of BFS who overcame this condition years ago who keeps coming back to share my perspective and experiences with anyone willing to listen. Essentially I'm giving my 2 cents here and you can take away from it what you will. I wanted to make a post on the nature of 'true help' because I believe I see some patterns of human psychology playing out in various different ways. I took some classes on human psychology in college even though I was going to school to be an engineer. It is always a subject I've had interest in and I do spend a considerable amount of time trying to understand the reasons why people do the things that they do, both on a conscious and subconscious level. I wanted to share some of these thoughts because I think that some of the subconscious motivations may add some perspective to people who come here to help or to be helped.Relevant to the topic of 'true help' I believe is the old saying, "If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish he will eat for a lifetime." I see that old saying as relevant because I believe when some people come here for help they may not consciously realize it but I think some are looking for a fish, so to speak. There is nothing wrong with this because we all have needs and when you're hungry you need to eat, right? I only see this as a problem when they continue to come back for fish after fish after fish because they get stuck into a pattern and for whatever reason refuse to learn how to fish for themselves. I see learning how to fish as essential for our survival and even our happiness. Why is this? I believe it is because learning how to fish is empowering. It gives you the strength, the knowledge, and the skill set to not only take care of yourself, but to take care of others in need. Once you learn to fish you are now equipped to teach others how to fish, thus empowering them. An empowered community is a strong community.Again, I don't want to pass judgement for those who come looking for a fish. When we are new to BFS we are scared, confused, weak, and unsure of ourselves. We feel lost and don't know what to do, where to go, or how to cope. This forum is great for that, but the quicker we learn to pick ourselves up the better. I believe that due to the nature of human psychology that some people are so comforted by the handouts of fish that they become reliant and even dependent upon them. People who are all to happy to give out the fish feeling as though they are helping may really just be enabling. Everyone is different. Some people learn more quickly than others. Some people identify with different methods of conveying a message. My style of delivering a message may not get through at all to some and it may make perfect sense to others. That's why all of us with different and various backgrounds are here though. There is somebody on here to deliver the right message to everyone in need. It just works that way. What I would ask everyone to consider when asking or giving help is whether they are enabling/being enabled or empowering/being empowered. If you are a requester of help, ask yourself if you are stuck in a cycle of constantly coming back and asking about every single new symptom in a similar fashion. Do you keep getting back to the same place of feeling lost? If you are a helper, ask yourself if you are coming here to try to save people from themselves or if you are coming here to try to empower them. Are you trying to fix their problems or are you trying to teach them to fix their own problems? Granting reassurance is a temporary boost for someone, but if they keep coming back for more reassurance time after time are they becoming dependent on it? There is no rule book that I am aware of that determines the thresholds or boundaries for what line has been crossed but I do believe that we instinctively can tell. It is the same feeling we get when we feel the weight of someone's stare from across a crowded room. It's a gut feeling that is hard to put into words. It comes from our own inner guidance and wisdom though. If it tells us that we need to change tactics, I believe we should listen to it. Sometimes our own egos can blind us to this inner guidance and wisdom because we want to help and we convince ourselves that we are helping when we are in fact enabling. I'm not sure how to easily tell you to deal with this other than to just listen to yourself. If something feels right we usually know it. There is a fulfillment that comes with truly helping someone that cannot be replaced with any satisfaction of the ego. When you satisfy your ego it never lasts and always wants more. Fulfillment gives you peace. Anyway, these are just my thoughts on the topic. Feel free to chime in with your own if you like. I want to remind you again that these are just my thoughts on the subject and all I ask is for your consideration. Thank you.