Journey to Self-Acceptance and Health

[LisaQ.]

Hi carri,
I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I wish I could wave a magic wand that would help you to see yourself as you are...totally and completely, abso-freakin-lutely healthy, but I can't do that for you I'm afraid. It is a journey we all must take on our own. (Why do I feel like Gandalf speaking to Frodo all of a sudden? LOL)

Seeing 4 more neurologists or 100 aren't going to make a difference if you aren't willing to accept at least the possibility that you might have a benign process going on.

It's all about talking back to the lying voices in your head, and until you give them hell, they are going to win every time.

I've told you about the insane person I was when I was first noticing my bfs symptoms. Truthfully, I'd had symptoms waxing and waning over many years and never really paid them much mind. The fact that they would improve indicated to me that I didn't have **S, I was much more afraid of ms. What I didn't tell you is that I was actually diagnosed with ms at one point, though thankfully it was a mistake. I was so convinced and convincing in my symptoms that I even had the professionals fooled. Well, that, and a suspicious lesion on my cervical mri that turned out to be a cyst.

And there was my husband, enduring all of that crap and craziness right there with me. It was a horror for him, yet he stuck by me, and now...more than a year and a half later we've just driven home from hiking in the Adirondacks.

My point is, hubby couldn't help me to ultimately accept that I was okay. I had to do that on my own. I had to come to a place where I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I did, by the grace of God. I found this board, read "bfs in a nutshell," and started accepting first the possibility, then the PROBABILITY that I had this silly, goofy little syndrome that made me shake, and twitch, and feel weak.

So, I guess the moral of my little story is that I hiked in the Adirondacks yesterday, after being told over a year ago I had a condition that should have made that impossible or at least a lot less likely. Yet, here I am, and off I went, and it is because I eventually figured out and accepted that I don't have *s, even in spite of being told by a doctor that I had it.

See, the fact that 4 other neuros told me I didn't have *S wasn't a help to me either at that time of my life. I was choosing to believe the ONE doctor who wasn't even a neurologist who mistakenly dx'ed me with *S, because what we believe about ourselves is a CHOICE that we make.

Now I'm choosing to believe in my health, my wholeness, my future, and my hope. And...that I have bfs.

You can make that choice for yourself as well.

Blessings,
Sue

 

[ristinaL91]

Hi Carri,

I am sorry that you are feeling so low. Most of us on this board know just how you are feeling and know the struggle all too well.

The depression of feeling that you will never be well, and that it is a bottomless pit is horrible. I hate to sound like George Bush ( I really do) but stay the course. Keep your Doctors appointments, the reassurance 3 times over might be what you need. Stay on your meds, unless you are having bad side effects...and then discuss it with your Doctor. You can always ween off them when you are feeling better. Talk to yourself...tell yourself you are well ( you are). Try to keep your normal activities as much as you possible can.

You do not have ***, you don't. But you are having the depression and fear that goes along with the scare that hits us all when we first go that route. It takes a different amount of time for each of us to have our nerves recover.

If you need to "talk" please feel free to pm me.

ristinaL91

 

[Carrilicious]

Dearest Basso,
I think those were the kindest most beautiful words every written to me. How did you become so wise? I actually cried as I read every beautiful word. I want and will print it out save it and when I feel down I will read it.
As for the kids I know you are right, I do. I am here for them and I do for them each and every day. They are all three turning into beautiful little human beings. I just can't help but feel quilty sometimes when they see me cry or dinner is not made and fast food is being brought. But you know what you are right it is okay that I take time for myself. Going to the gym was always my place of solace and I took pride in how I looked. (Not in a vain way by any means.) I just mean I liked the peace and the energy it gave me. I need to really start slowly and get back in the saddle as they say.
And as for my husband I didn't mean to make him out to sound like an ogre. He just wants to fix me and he can't and I think in a way it makes him feel weak to watch me and not be able to really do anything. He said sometimes he doesn't feel me and I know I do that. I put up a wall and I need to work on it. He loves me and i love him with all my heart. I''ve always taken pride on our marriage and I guess what doesn't break you will make you stronger. I don't really have too many friends or family members outside of him so he basically takes on all of me. He has very strong shoulders so I know you can do it. Hee Hee I know we will be fine.
As for the dr.s appts. I haven't the strength to cancel them yet. My counselor actually told me today to do the same thing. I see one (another neuro) on Tuesday of next week so we'll see after that if I can force myself to do what I know it the best for me.
You are so amazingly strong and so sensible. You are also very articulate and poetic. I can't wait till I get to a place where I can help someone like all of you are doing with me. Again I cannot begin to describe how I felt about your post and you might never know. I will forever keep your writing close to me. Your family should be so proud of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Sincerely Carri